Saturday, March 14, 2015

Day 14 - Fears and Panic

Its around 1 year ago that I published my last post.

There were some trials/beginnings with a new blog entry written in German but I never published them and so I deleted these today.

1 year = 1 year older and thats also what I feel and makes me worry.

I'm still suffering with my high blood pressure - some days it is better and the other days the bp jumps up to a critical level, I'm dizzy then but don't control the pressure with the meter because this makes me more nervous in such situations.

Then last week I've downloaded the free fear interviews from eqafe and started with listening to the first interview.

Back to my situation : End of October I'm living 10 years in this town where I never said 'Here is my Home'. The first 4 years I'd a very good job so there was never a reason for moving again. The teamwork was excellent and I'd really less problems, could enjoy my life and share this with my friends. I joined facebook in 2010 and this all happened before fb. My job in the public library was limited for 9 month.

Currently I'm unemployed, this again since summer 2014 and its hard to find a new job in Germany when you're 50+, as a freelancer or employed, its both the same. Treaten by the rest of my family that I'm a loser, feeling worthless, it came all together.

With my programming skills I'm not really 'up to date' - the most programs today are based on new web technologies and therefore I need the special skills which I can get with going to courses etc.
In January I asked for joining into such courses at my job center but they simply declined and told me that I'm too old. Instead of this they would send me to one of the greatest european online sellers for clothes which has its logistic center with around 1500 employees/workers here in town.

Also I did a decision last summer that around 25 years of programming are enough and I was looking for new challenges.

I regret that I cancelled the social job in July 2014, cause the team leader was a racist and tried to catch me also for his church. He was a priest, coming from Ghana and is living in Germany since many years. I got the promises that with this job I'll also get the perspective to finish my psychology studies and can do the exams for a non medical practitioner in psychology in spring 2016 ( since 2009 I've still the exams and papers for hypnosis ) . These exams/tests are relative expensive and currently I cant pay the fees in advance. At this time I'd very less problems with my health and often in the week I'd chats with another destonian in the early morning before going to work.

Then later in fall I had a treatment at an orthopedic physician. The first days after this special treatment ( in which I'd never consented ) with injections into the spine  were particularly bad. 5 minutes after the treatment I was paralyzed and the doc didn't care about this situation, also not in the following days so I decided ( also adviced by my health insurance ) to sue him. Lots of papers, ordering a lawyer and all what came back to me were lies from this doctor - currently all these papers are at a committee of experts, but it seems, that I've lost with the lies or only a very, very less chance.

3 weeks ago, it was a Friday evening my blood pressure was so high ( and with this the fears and panic came up ), that I asked a neighbor for driving me to an Emergency Room. He did, and the result was, that the doctors said I must stay there overnight for more checks - but after around 4 hours I could go home : the checks and blood tests were ok, the bp still much to high, so they recommended I should consult my primary doc on Monday.
I did this the next Monday and after waiting for more than 2 hours my primary doctor didn't checked anything, also didn't read the papers from the hospital ( the potassium level was too low ) and said : Take just your pills, its all ok ...

The past 2 weeks was an up and down with my health, the panic and fears came more and more back, and there are still unsolved traumas so I decided to join a local anxiety self support group who meet each 2nd and fourth Tuesday/month here in town. About these meetings and self support group I cant say much more in the moment, it was the first time I joined there, so I'll see.

Thursday afternoon I was again feeling very bad with fears and panic. At around 6 pm I was so dizzy that I was laying down on the couch for a while, not able to do anything, just trying to calm down but this didn't happen. More and more I got nervous, the blood pressure jumped, the veines in my right hand were out of blood - so I got into the panic that I'm going to die and/or need an emergency car. Exactly at this time one of my cats got sick too, she threw up her last meal at some different places on a carpet in the living room, so I'd to clean it and after this I was so down, that I was going to bed at 8 pm, full of fears and couldn't calm down with breathing.

This is currently not really me - I changed so much backwards, I wish I can move with my cats to another place/city/country on earth and having a fresh new start, finally saying "This is my home" - but it is an illusion to have the heaven on earth and doing what is best for all just in one step.

I must start the changes here where I'm living and I'm not and never too old for this.

Will write my more, also developing the SF, decisions and principles and about really possible current choices soon.

Thank you for reading

Friday, April 25, 2014

Day 13 - I just want to be me, not only on this just outer beautiful day

I see that more than 2 month have passed since I wrote my last blog entry.
I edited some but didnt publish them, because they were not ready or I subjected them as shit ....
A lot of things had changed in this time. Good things and bad things and without illusions I believe that with my writings in JTL I'm finally able to relieve me out of my own cage.

I was suffering with my health, ( still often the high blood pressure and feeling dizzy ), joined a yoga class which helped but finally I'm feeling more and more sick also about the medical treatment and all the drugs that I've to take each day.
So I'm sitting here  and will first repeat the post, that was on my timeline today :

Some notes on an outer really beautiful day :

Before I was leaving my apartment last afternoon I saw that a lot of police and emergency ambulances were at the next house. I had to drive to the train and did not really know what happened.After I came back in the evening there was the DIP google hangout and I felt really good, also this morning while reading news, postings and other blogs.

I was falling into a state of worthlessness since I did not get any new work or projects in the past few month. This due to my age and not the qualifications that I have.

Currently I am creating a small mobile photo studio (for indoor and outdoor) and I'm buying the necessary equipment with the opportunities that I have, this step by step.

And today at noon all the fears came back, but also the determination to leave this place/apartment/city as soon as possible. In the mailbox was a letter from my landlord that it was the maintenance man who is living in the next house who passed away yesterday immediately by a heart attack. Even on Wednesday I had a longer talk with this man. So I want to write more about the fears tonight in my blog and what's going on in my mind, this before I publish the other blog entry which I wanted to post over the weekend .... I never said or had the emotions that this is my home, simply stranded here, years ago. And I'm not the believer that things simply happen.

The second point that attacked me today was a message from the local public library that they've blocked my card. I had forgotten to bring back some books and a DVD on time ( 2 days later ), so I was charged automatically with fees. At the same time it makes me angry, because I was working a lot of hours without being paying for this library and did work, which was contractually not obliged. So I've to go to them feeling like guilty but I will be strong enough for this.

Outside it's a beautiful day, the sun is shining, its warm and the birds are chirping,

I just want to be me.

Living life is so important, breath in, breath out, each moment.

I'm creating fears that block me in my Journey so much, that there are days, sitting alone at home and feeling only dizzy, tired and worthless.

Self Forgiveness :

I forgive myself that I have acceptet and allowed myself for feeling worthless.

I forgive myself that I have acceptet and allowed myself to believe, that I'm too old for changes or challenges.

I forgive myself that I have acceptet and allowed myself for judging myself.

I forgive myself that I have acceptet and allowed myself to believe, that I'll get no really a good health treatment for myself.

I forgive myself that I have acceptet and allowed myself for the feelings, being alone.

I forgive myself that I have acceptet and allowed myself for the feeling being not strong enough to be me, this without being selfish

Self Correction will follow in my next blog.

Thank you for reading,


Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Day 12 - Sorrows

The day started well today . I was been looking for my emails and answered them, later reading some news and in also a book, so there was no hassle and stress in the morning.

Likewise, there were also no fears/anxiety  or physical discomfort , except for a slight fatigue, because I slept again only about 5 hours the last night. In the past weeks this happened more and more, that I awaked too early in the night and cant sleep again.

Around noon my blood pressure was suddenly extremely high, this for no reason . I have observed myself how dizziness and head pressure occurred to me at the same time and I felt an extremely fast heart beat which is normally too low .

I then measured the real values of my blood pressure with the meter and they were extremely high, including the heart rate, which is all not yet gotten better until now.

Then reappeared panic that I might fall. In addition, on Wednesday afternoons is neither my doctor nor any other doctor in the city to reach - only the emergency call/car or driving to the Emergency Hospital . I did some calls to the emergency room and another number and they told me to come, what I not did until yet.

Two times I tried then to get the blood pressure and the panic by short bike rides under control. That helped temporarily. Whether I'm going/driving tonight to the Emergency Hospital I can't say yet . First I'll try to reduce it through breathing and possibly even a walk in the physical reactions .

As real sorrows exist :

  • I have lost 2 projects and have no new work.
  • I have no friends here in my  surroundings with whom I can do something, hanging out with them, calling, trust ... , the next friend is living around 40 miles away
  • So I often feel , especially in the nights , alone.
  • I'll move to another city / country because this surroundings make me sick, I decided to live here in 2005 but since 2009 I'll move

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to make the worries and the clinical picture of 'high blood pressure ' and 'heart attack' again to a center of my life .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to give the anxiety for the future such a large space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to respect myself more and more less in the last weeks and restricts my activities too .

Thank you for reading.

I'll continue soon.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Fear and panic attacks

Today something happened which is the occasion to continue my writings here.

The story behind it began 4 years ago . I got an order by a sculptor to take photos of his artworks and to change his website. So I was end of 2010 with my camera in his hall where I ultimately should also take a photo, showing him with a gun in his throat. It was a real gun and I refused to take such a photo. Friends or work colleagues had warned me in advance to work for him , since his previous website had a very negative portrayal , also was or is this man still an alcoholic and like today drunken.
After I refused the photo with the gun , he did not let me going out of his hall for about one hour. I was virtually his prisoner and he had the power over me. One day later, he began with stalking on my mobile and the landline phone. That was at a time, I couldnt block his number on my mobile.

These stalking messages and calls were about 2 to 3 weeks. He said, he wants to destroy my reputation as a photographer and web designer. Since he also knew where I live I bought pepper spray.
After 2 or 3 weeks with stalking I reported it to the local police . He got the obligation not to approach me about 300 meters and furthermore no stalkings.

Today at noon I met this man again and he began at once to catch me. He was drunken and I stopped his speaking quickly. So I'm back to my apartment and within seconds or minutes was such a fear and panic in me that I thought I was going to die.

I could not breathe, had only fear and panic in me and my blood pressure went to life-threatening levels. Since I still had to sweat heavily, I have repeatedly took a cold shower and dressed with fresh clothes, then I left my apartment for some times to breathe outside and so on. 

At the same time I had also to ship a parcel today and was not able to write the shipping address. A thousand confused negative thoughts, as I promised the receiver of the parcel to send it as soon as possible. I'll do that tomorrow now.

In recent weeks, many changes have occurred to me.

I still stand with Desteni and see the Journey to Life with self- forgiveness, ... as my directive . 2 weeks ago I started writing another point with a photo of a painting that I bought, but didnt published it until yet.

I will write in the next few days more about all what happened, unreal fears and panic attacks, the loss of self-determination through power that I gave to other people over me, the lost of trust ...

I thank the Destonians with whom I am in contact and help me but also to all the other blogs from which I learn . As before, I usually read in the morning new blog entries for about 1 or 2 hours.

Today, and at this point I can't make any self-forgiveness , or define it. There are just the positive thoughts that I dont need an emergency car ( last year I was for 1 week in a hospital because of my high blood pressure ).
I am feeling currently better and about all the points that touch my life , including the confidence in others , I'll write soon.

Sorry for the bad/wrong English or typos, I couldnt concentrate at the moment but I'm glad that I've written this and see it as a restart in 7YJTL.

Thanks for reading and I'll continue soon.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Day 10 : Anger / Nightmare Dreams

Normally I work as programmer with freelancer contracts and this since many years. Programming is for me not only the technic/logic/computers/mathematics - its a kind of being an artist too, here I dont mean the design, I mean the code behind them. Also I edit videos, take photos for websites ...

In 2011 and 2012 the freelancer projects were rare so that I was unemployed and got the offer from my local Jobcenter to work in the library for nine month ( July 2012 - April 2013 ) . I made the contract not directly with the city council/library, but a subsidiary which is equal to a Ltd. company.

My work in the local public Library had nothing to do with books. In the ranking Mönchengladbach has behind the London library the world greatest collection of bookplates.

The Wood / Artist Gertraude Erlacher

I had to archive and descripe the graphics/paintings also with the name of the artist, the owner, which kind of graphic ( Nature, Myth, Erotic ...), the size, print method, which country and so on.

For more information about Exlibris / bookplates see :

During my time working there I'd about to describe circa 1200 graphics out of Danmark and Sweden. I liked the work and I never said 'No' when they asked for helping in other areas with heavy physical work. ( This was not part of the contract )

My work in the library ended premature end of February this year. I had an accident and was not protected by law in the contract. I did not receive compensation for the holidays that I couldn't take. Internally within a final interview I got a very good spoken report. In writing it was only a kind of certificate of attendance that was only useful to throw into the bin. So I had a lot of anger after leaving the job.

The nightmare dream : I got a call and a letter from the library that I've stolen many journals. For example, all editions of GEO, Der Spiegel, internaional magazines, newspapers will be archived. I've never stolen anything in the library but the dream sparked me again with fear, anger and guilt. I couldnt sleep again for hours ...

With the rapid guilt I've been struggling for a long time even though I have no need for this in most cases. This is something that follows me since my childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feeling worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be to fasten in anger and allowed the feeling that others have more rights.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed uncompromising guilty feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed for a long time the suppressing feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed not to fight for my human rights.

Will be continued with commitments and self-corrections in my next blog.

Thank you for reading.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Day 8 - Missing writings

Missing writing at day 8 - a lot of thoughts and reading other blogs .

I also stopped my writings in self-honesty in DIP Lite for the past 2 or 3 days .

It was like as I was blocked within me, even though I know that only I'm the only one who can change myself with self-forgiveness and self-corrections through writings and doing what is best for all. I'll find out what triggered me for blocking myself.

Will continue tonight or tomorrow morning with the self-forgiveness. Perhaps I'll write for this one time in German, its easier to explain what I'll say.

The picture : Thats me with my inner conflict and the greater person with the more stable holding hands also me, with my decicion to walk the Journey to Life.

Thank you for reading.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Day 7 - 'Friends' are leaving me

Today I noticed that one of my best German friends with whom I'd a very good and daily contact in the past ( phone / mails and working in groups for helping kids with cancer) , unfriended me on facebook. First thought was, that this is in relation to my activities in the Desteni groups and I took it personally. Leaving a friend without saying anything is just not my thing ..., never.

  • I was feeling angry, also because another person who is living nearby and a member of the team I work for, didn't asked how I feel since nearly 2 weeks, but always promoted herself that she is the best in all. 

  • Also today I've read the self-honesty assignment instructions in DIP-Lite, so I will write about my feelings, emotions and developing self-honesty about that what happened today in my next blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry, worthless and hurted, and that I couldn't block the negative thoughts within me.

Thank you for reading - will be continued.